"Perhaps, but you've really gone above and beyond for your country.You've let the Count perform unspeakable acts on you, and even gonethrough with a sham wedding ceremony." Others have given more," I said, feeling inexplicably irritated by hisdismissive description of the wedding."Yes, but you've lost something I'm not sure you can get back." What do you mean?" When you pretend to be something for long enough and with sufficientconviction, there's a danger of you reaching a point where you're nolonger pretending. It's one of the known dangers of undercover work, andwatching you over the months that's clearly what's happened here.Whether your masquerade by itself is responsible or whether it justbrought things to the surface that were in you anyway and best leftrepressed I'm not qualified to say, but it's cost you your manhood.That's a sacrifice no man should have to make, and for my part in allthis I'm sorry." This is an act," I said, exasperated, "I can still return to my oldlife,. I've always considered myself a girl (I know that some hermaphrodites relate more to their man side). I'd never given it much thought, but I'd assumed that, if I were to get involved in a relationship, it'd be with an understanding guy.Being exposed to four naked guys, however, did nothing for me. And some of these guys were attractive. Like Abercrombie and Fitch type of attractive. Many of the other girls were seriously fawning all over them. What was interesting was the way I felt about the girls. I wanted to touch them. I wanted to caress them. I did not approach them because I was kind of afraid of these feelings.There was a serious part of me that regretted missing Lisa's time in the program. That thought really threw me for a loop. I thought of her as a potential friend. I didn't want to screw that up with some misguided attempt to form a relationship. I knew nothing about interpersonal relationships and really would risk fucking everything up.I really needed to talk to.
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